Take heed Mr. Ahmadenijad...

You have stubbornly persisted with your quest to obtain nuclear weapons. In the process, you have isolated Iran in a fashion that is unprecedented since the early days of your pathetic "revolution." Yet it now appears that even the "God" who you and your ilk so idiotically claimed vented His wrath on the United States through hurricanes Katrina and Rita now appears to have turned his attention on you!

It is now my turn to be idiotic!

"God," Mr. Ahmedenijad, has killed at least fifty of your placated subjects and wounded hundreds in an obvious sign of his displeasure with your behavior. God swung his magic wand over Iran and created thirteen tremors - the most powerful of which measured 5.7 on the Richter Scale.

That strike was no absent-minded strike, your Excellency... no... it must have been deliberate. For God to strike Iran with thirteen tremors, He must be really pissed! He wasn't just lying on his couch, drinking beer, and accidentally tipped the wand! Noooo... That would have caused only one tremor! Thirteen tremors could not have been an accident! Such an ugly number too! Have you ever heard of Friday the thirteenth, you Excellency?

So, tell me. What are going to do about this obviously distressing situation?

It is true that though God exhibited his wrath, he failed to disclose his rationale. Who knows? God may actually want you to escalate and ultimately destroy both the large and small Evil Empires – his Arch Nemeses on this planet he created. So allow me to advise you, sir! Why don’t you try escalating for a couple more months... If God swings his magic wand and hits Iran with another set of tremors, say 6 in Tehran, 6 in some other province, and 6 in a third province, then, change course immediately, and stretch your hand out to the world in humility and peace! If on the other hand, God swings his magic wand and blesses all of Iran's drought-ridden regions with much-needed rain, then continue on with your escalation and do God's bidding.

Be careful though, your Excellency. My sources tell me that God loves his beer! So one earthquake or even two will not count. Neither does one thunderstorm. To be absolutely sure that you are actually reading a deliberate message from God, you need to witness sequences and multiple occurrences. That is the only way, you can be sure that God is really sending you a message! Let me give you an example that you may grasp.

Do you remember that speech you gave at the UN? What kind of a question is that? Of course you do! Well… if only one or two of members of the audience were fixed in a trance, then you could say that God accidentally flicked his wand. But, you told all of us, that your entire audience experienced a holy trance. Now that is God’s bidding. Get it?

Good Luck Mr. Ahmedenijad! You need it now more than ever! Your next steps are crucial! It really does not matter how isolated Iran is in this world. All that matters is Iran’s relationship with that beer-loving God! The responsibility for winning him over to Iran's side has now fallen on your shoulders. Good Luck, sir!