Today was a difficult day. On the metro heading to work this morning, I fought with myself: to read the Washington Post or not to read it. I did and I got even more depressed. There is nothing more disheartening than a picture of destruction or suffering frozen in history...more striking than on TV.
More disheartening was an 80-year old Beiruti saying to the Post that Lebanon is doomed never to be. If these are the words of wisdom, then what do I have left?
What do I have left? I was born during the civil war, never saw all of Lebanon until I was 13, and when I did, I fell in love with it. I understood why my father always brought us back despite the destruction. I fought my parents to do my undergraduate studies at the American University of Beirut when I was 18. I wanted to be there, to create roots, my own roots in that vibrant place. And I did.
As I watched today morning on TV Lebanese Red Cross medics putting injured civilians on stretchers after the Beirut Port was shelled, I thought to myself, "What are you doing here?" I should be there, where I used to serve as a Lebanese Red Cross first-aider. I knew that those medics at the Port were the ones who manned the Spears Headquarters...that's where I used to be a volunteer. And now I'm here, going to work like so many are, on the metro, then the escalators, then up the elevator, then the cubicle...
I'm here, facing a computer, trying to do what needs to be done, but never enough.
Our generation had so much hope for Lebanon. Last year there was so much hope for Lebanon, so much hope. Hope that we can BE. That Lebanon can BE, once and for all. But the prospects are bleak. What next? After the attacks are over, what's going to happen? The divisions are growing deeper and deeper.
Hizbullah's forces might be decimated, but never underestimate the effects of all the violence on the people. All those "mended" psyches from the civil war have been hurt once more and this time trust is gone and perhaps the damage will be difficult to undo.
I have nothing except words. Nothing but words...
Update: A Lebanese Army barracks in Jumhour was shelled. And today evening a whole family died under the rubble, 13, among them 9 children in Aitroun. What's the fault of these children? They were probably scared and hiding.
Addendum: Check out Lebanese fellow blogger's post on the 8-member Lebanese Canadian family killed yesterday by Israeli fire.
Update 2: Jbeil (Byblos) was targeted at dawn. Two trucks were destroyed. No information on number of casualties.
"Nobody knows how many rebellions, besides political rebellions, ferment in the masses of life which people earth."